Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Loosing Weight

My whole life my weight has a been a rather large issue. I've gone from being extremely chubby to being dangerously anorexic. There have been points where I weighed 220 and then when I weighed 130. This dangerous weight gain and loss comes from a few things. First, I have body dis-morphia. When I look in a mirror or at a picture of myself I see something that is very far from reality. For a long period of time, I couldn't even look at myself naked without breaking down and having a panic attack. I went 3 years without knowing what I looked like naked. Another factor has been depression and stress.

When I got to my heaviest I was borderline alcoholic, living with my already alcoholic ex boyfriend and his abusive parents. I laid on the couch all day and was drunk by 10 AM everyday. I was depressed and I just covered it up with food and booze. When I was my skinniest, I had just been left my first boyfriend. He stressed me out by continuing to fuck with my head and sleep with me, then ignore me immediately after. Since I couldn't control him, I controlled my eating habits... to the point that they didn't exist. I was anorexic for 6 months and ended up losing 60 pounds.

Throughout the years I have yo-yoed between the two, going from dangerously overweight to dangerously underweight. I have always been told my body wasn't good enough but recently I have finally got healthy enough where I just am saying "Fuck you."  I am not near the weight I want to be but I am in a good middle ground. I'll never be entirely happy with my body but I can stop hating it. I will still cry by myself when people tell me I need to lose weight or that I have fat arms but I'm going to let it go sooner. I'm not going to let it fester in my head. I'm slowly learning how to love myself.

So..... fuck you. I'm swell as hell.

I also found out recently that Dr. Who is amazing. SO......... think about that shit too.

and because I can, here is me at my fattest and me at my skinniest

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