Today a horrible thing happened. Quite a few children will not be going home to their parents tonight. They will not be celebrating Christmas this year. This hurts my heart very much and I don't know how to deal with it. All these children were killed mercilessly and today I can't stop thinking about my Uncle Timmy.
Before I was even born, before most of you were born, my Uncle Timmy died. This was back in the early 70's on Father's day. Timothy Patrick Kelly was 7 years old. He was playing at a friends house and choked to death on a bit of plastic. He was blue before my Grandfather could even get to him. He died for no reason. I never got to know my uncle. I never got to hug him or hear his voice. He was gone far before his time was truly up. He had red hair, like me. Every funeral I have been to has been for someone very old who had a long and happy life. Every funeral I do not cry for them because there is no reason to be sad when someone dies very old. I do cry for Timmy. I visit Timmy's grave every year with my family and we leave him a small Christmas tree every Christmas. We decorate it and dust off his grave. Every year at this time I always go a few graves down and leave something for Buddy as well. He was 5 when he died and no one ever visits him or leaves him anything. I discovered Buddy's grave when I was very young on our many trips to visit Timmy and I cry for Buddy too. I love my Uncle Timmy even though I never got the chance to know him. I wonder if he would have been funny and would have made stupid jokes to cheer me up. I wonder if he would have smelled like something in specific that would have been comforting. I am crying so hard right now it's hard to see.
I don't know why I told you any of this. I don't really have a point. I guess this is the after affects of death. What some girl will feel in 30 years, visiting what would have been her Uncle's grave and crying for never getting to know him. It was no national tragedy when Timmy died, people die every day.... tell your family you love them every chance you get because you never know when they wont be coming home and when they wont be there for Christmas.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Things I have Learned From Being a Real Life Grown-up
The past year has been the most insane of my life. This year I got married, I got divorced, I dealt with epilepsy, I moved out on my own, signed my first lease and my second, started stand-up comedy and realized it was what I have always wanted to do, made some best friends, lost some best friends, met the most amazing man in the world, fell in love, performed at the Improv multiple times, learned some lessons the hard way, went to Hawaii, had a few jobs, got sick, got better, and really changed as a person. I couldn't have asked for a better year though, because with all the bad came an overwhelming amount of good. I may have suffered but I would have never have found comedy or Connor if I hadn't. In fact, I would have never become the person that I am today without it and I really love whatever it is that I am becoming. I have this brilliant idea of what I want to be and it seems like I'm finally becoming that instead of just pretending. Sometimes I still get depressed and self-loathy but who doesn't? Sometimes grown-up life becomes a bit too overwhelming for my liking but that is just when you have to look at the ground and take each step at a time instead of looking ahead at all the scary stuff.
I will share with you some of the things I have learned this year because even though we rarely listen to other's advice and usually find out things the hard way, sometimes it's good to know whats coming :)
1. Bills are more daunting than you could ever think possible.
Moving out I realized that your apartment doesn't just come set up and ready to go. It's up to you to call all the companies and set up all your bills and utilities yourself. You need electricity, gas, internet, TV, phone, etc. You also have to pay these every month (I don't think you guys are dumb and don't know that, but it is a good reminder hahah) Something relieving to know though, is that you can pay a bill late and no one freaks out or ruins your credit. Most companies give you 2 months of lateness before they shut you down and the late fee isn't so bad. Not a GOOD idea to pay too late BUT it is a relief to know if you are a bit late, no one is coming to break your knee caps. You also have to call and notify the companies that you are moving out at certain date and then re-setup your utilities at the new location. Fun times, am I right?!
2. Animals REALLY Aren't Accessories
When I hear people talk about moving out they always want a cat or a dog. A lot of them assume you just buy your furry friend and they love you and happily ever after. It really upsets me because it ends in a lot of pets being given up. Before you move out and buy your animal pal, REAAAALLY think about it. I got my dog a few years ago and learned that yes, they are a great companion for when you miss your family. BUT. But they need constant love and attention. They need to be walked, fed, taken to the vet for shots, etc. I know, most of you are thinking "YEAH YEAH, I already KNOW that ALYSA." but you aren't REALLY thinking about it. I spent 60 bucks on groceries this week and 20 of it was for dog food. When you live on your own at such a young age, that's A LOT. That's gas to see your family one weekend, that's a trip to the movies, that's an electricity bill. Also, my dog got sick and the vet visit was 100 dollars. Not to mention getting her fixed was around 500. I love my dog to death but she IS an expense you need to be ready for. She isn't just something cute to add to your new adult life.
Sidenote: A lot of apartments wont even accept pets and if they do, you have to pay an additional pet deposit that can range from 200-400
3. Laundry Sucks.
Ahhhhhh how I hate the complimentary laundry facilities in apartment complexes. Coin operated, need a key to get in, and all your thieving neighbors have access to it. Maybe I just have bad experiences like my sheets being stolen or nasty notes from neighbors because I'm washing my dog's bed. Being a grown-up you have a few options for this whole laundry business. You can use your apartment's laundry room (if there is one). You can go to the laundromat (They scare me). You can do laundry at your parents house when you visit (YAY MOM AND DAD!). Or, you can hope you are lucky enough to find an apartment with a washer and dryer hook up and enough money to buy the machines. Anyway you roll it, it's a pain. Also, never really thought about it before but now that you are on your own, that laundry gets dirty FAST. One second you have plenty of underwear then, BOOM! You're wearing the same pair of granny panties for a day too long. GROSS.
4. Don't Live With Your Significant Other Until You Are Both Ready
I learned the hard way on this one. Living with a significant other seems like a really good idea because you save on rent, you get to always sleep together, blah blah blah. Living with a lover out of necessity is baaaaad juju. YOU WILL FIGHT AND HATE EACH OTHER. Only live with someone you are dating once you love them and you really want to take that step. Until then, live with friends and don't act like some know-it-all dick that thinks you are special and it will different. You aren't special, it will be the same forever.
This is my first of many Grown-up lessons posts, so don't be sad, more is still to come!!!! :D
I will share with you some of the things I have learned this year because even though we rarely listen to other's advice and usually find out things the hard way, sometimes it's good to know whats coming :)
1. Bills are more daunting than you could ever think possible.
Moving out I realized that your apartment doesn't just come set up and ready to go. It's up to you to call all the companies and set up all your bills and utilities yourself. You need electricity, gas, internet, TV, phone, etc. You also have to pay these every month (I don't think you guys are dumb and don't know that, but it is a good reminder hahah) Something relieving to know though, is that you can pay a bill late and no one freaks out or ruins your credit. Most companies give you 2 months of lateness before they shut you down and the late fee isn't so bad. Not a GOOD idea to pay too late BUT it is a relief to know if you are a bit late, no one is coming to break your knee caps. You also have to call and notify the companies that you are moving out at certain date and then re-setup your utilities at the new location. Fun times, am I right?!
2. Animals REALLY Aren't Accessories
When I hear people talk about moving out they always want a cat or a dog. A lot of them assume you just buy your furry friend and they love you and happily ever after. It really upsets me because it ends in a lot of pets being given up. Before you move out and buy your animal pal, REAAAALLY think about it. I got my dog a few years ago and learned that yes, they are a great companion for when you miss your family. BUT. But they need constant love and attention. They need to be walked, fed, taken to the vet for shots, etc. I know, most of you are thinking "YEAH YEAH, I already KNOW that ALYSA." but you aren't REALLY thinking about it. I spent 60 bucks on groceries this week and 20 of it was for dog food. When you live on your own at such a young age, that's A LOT. That's gas to see your family one weekend, that's a trip to the movies, that's an electricity bill. Also, my dog got sick and the vet visit was 100 dollars. Not to mention getting her fixed was around 500. I love my dog to death but she IS an expense you need to be ready for. She isn't just something cute to add to your new adult life.
Sidenote: A lot of apartments wont even accept pets and if they do, you have to pay an additional pet deposit that can range from 200-400
3. Laundry Sucks.
Ahhhhhh how I hate the complimentary laundry facilities in apartment complexes. Coin operated, need a key to get in, and all your thieving neighbors have access to it. Maybe I just have bad experiences like my sheets being stolen or nasty notes from neighbors because I'm washing my dog's bed. Being a grown-up you have a few options for this whole laundry business. You can use your apartment's laundry room (if there is one). You can go to the laundromat (They scare me). You can do laundry at your parents house when you visit (YAY MOM AND DAD!). Or, you can hope you are lucky enough to find an apartment with a washer and dryer hook up and enough money to buy the machines. Anyway you roll it, it's a pain. Also, never really thought about it before but now that you are on your own, that laundry gets dirty FAST. One second you have plenty of underwear then, BOOM! You're wearing the same pair of granny panties for a day too long. GROSS.
4. Don't Live With Your Significant Other Until You Are Both Ready
I learned the hard way on this one. Living with a significant other seems like a really good idea because you save on rent, you get to always sleep together, blah blah blah. Living with a lover out of necessity is baaaaad juju. YOU WILL FIGHT AND HATE EACH OTHER. Only live with someone you are dating once you love them and you really want to take that step. Until then, live with friends and don't act like some know-it-all dick that thinks you are special and it will different. You aren't special, it will be the same forever.
This is my first of many Grown-up lessons posts, so don't be sad, more is still to come!!!! :D
Friday, December 7, 2012
Divorce
I haven't really talked to anybody about my divorce. I've done a really good job at keeping it all bricked up behind some clever jokes and being too drunk a few times. I haven't even really felt it myself. I just brushed it off and ignored it. It felt too surreal anyway, being a twenty year old signing divorce papers when I didn't even really accept that I got married in the first place. It was a silly little kid thing I did without really thinking about it. I didn't even make sure I truly loved the person I jumped into it with. I just wanted to be married. I just wanted kids. I know, I'm dumb and childish. No one needs to tell me. In fact, please don't talk to me about it at all. I have moved on and I don't want to people to lecture me or pity me.
The reason I am talking about this now is because today he came to get his furniture. We have already signed the papers, we have already divided DVD's and video games, we already got new relationships that we are both extremely happy with. It was just the emptiness of each room and the loss of things I depended on like a bed that made me break down. Not because I missed him. I failed at marriage. I had dreamt my whole life of finding the perfect person to be with forever and having a beautiful wedding. I had dreamt of this and instead of waiting and being logical, I FUCKING GOT MARRIED TO THE WRONG PERSON. I rushed into it like if I didn't, I'd wither and die alone. I was an idiot and now I'll always be the girl that got married at 20, the divorcee. The person I finally decide to marry will be my 2nd husband. I feel tainted. I feel disgusting and stupid.
I hate myself.
I am a dumb kid. I'm stressed all the time. My hair falls out. I still pick my nose when I'm alone. I suck on my thumb and I cry way more than anyone I know. I lose weight, I take pills, I drink vodka to control the few things I have control over. I am a mess. I am not equipped for adult hood but I have been thrown into it and now I live or I die, it's up to me.
I will be okay.
The reason I am talking about this now is because today he came to get his furniture. We have already signed the papers, we have already divided DVD's and video games, we already got new relationships that we are both extremely happy with. It was just the emptiness of each room and the loss of things I depended on like a bed that made me break down. Not because I missed him. I failed at marriage. I had dreamt my whole life of finding the perfect person to be with forever and having a beautiful wedding. I had dreamt of this and instead of waiting and being logical, I FUCKING GOT MARRIED TO THE WRONG PERSON. I rushed into it like if I didn't, I'd wither and die alone. I was an idiot and now I'll always be the girl that got married at 20, the divorcee. The person I finally decide to marry will be my 2nd husband. I feel tainted. I feel disgusting and stupid.
I hate myself.
I am a dumb kid. I'm stressed all the time. My hair falls out. I still pick my nose when I'm alone. I suck on my thumb and I cry way more than anyone I know. I lose weight, I take pills, I drink vodka to control the few things I have control over. I am a mess. I am not equipped for adult hood but I have been thrown into it and now I live or I die, it's up to me.
I will be okay.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Life Post #2
Once again I have failed you, my friends. I have been out of commission for a few months due to having MRSA (Evil flesh-eating cyst disease....) and just generally being really busy with life. I need to stop letting the few stressful things in my life stop me from being a productive human being though. I will continue to try and not let you all down again! Since I am sick with a cold (never-ending sicknesses in this apartment, I swear), here are just some fun pictures from my life.
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| My birthday dinner with my family |
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| 11th Doctor costume for Halloween |
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| Turning 21 at Harbor House. First beer was a Newcastle! |
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| Sending in our contract for our movie |
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| Green room at The Comedy Store |
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| Paid or Pain show at The Comedy Store |
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| This..... this is phenomenal |
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| A wrestling skirt I found while thrifting |
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| Hanging up Christmas lights |
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| Halloween Zombie Walk |
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| Connor with my toilet (Steve) |
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| Westside Comedy Theatre |
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Making Comedian Friends
It's very hard to follow that last post but here I go...
Since I started comedy I have pretty much alienated every friend I had and replaced them with comedians. It wasn't because they were bad friends and they weren't fun, it was because every night I'm doing comedy and there was no time for others. When you finish a show at 1 AM, regular people are going to sleep or don't want to make the drive to see you but the other comedians are always there and down to go to Denny's or go back to your apartment and drink. The only people I see on a regular basis are comedians. It was just a natural transition.
Something I learned early on is that to have comedians as friends you have to grow a thick skin. A lot of comedians believe that to be a part of the group you have to be able to endure teasing and be able to retaliate too. For the first month or so I had a lot of hurt feelings and resentment but I learned to deal with it and move on. It was hard to get used to but after you do it can actually be fun. Sometimes I still get my feelings hurt and I know other comedians do too but it's all about just being honest when things go to far. You can have a thick skin but we aren't all made out of stone.
Something else I learned is that you will talk about comedy almost constantly. Whenever I hang out with comedians we are either talking about a famous comedian, our most recent set, the community, what shows are coming up.... etc. Sometimes music will come up or movies but it always ends with comedy.
Also, be ready for the puns. Maybe this doesn't happen with every comedian friend but it happens a lot. If I had a nickle for every groan inducing pun that I have heard, I'd have a butt-ton of nickles.
Comedians are like wild cats. They scratch and bite and are skittish and will eat garbage to survive but they are still kitties. I dunno, that was a weird metaphor. Better summary, I wouldn't exchange my comedian friends for any other human being in the world. They are the bees knees.
Since I started comedy I have pretty much alienated every friend I had and replaced them with comedians. It wasn't because they were bad friends and they weren't fun, it was because every night I'm doing comedy and there was no time for others. When you finish a show at 1 AM, regular people are going to sleep or don't want to make the drive to see you but the other comedians are always there and down to go to Denny's or go back to your apartment and drink. The only people I see on a regular basis are comedians. It was just a natural transition.
Something I learned early on is that to have comedians as friends you have to grow a thick skin. A lot of comedians believe that to be a part of the group you have to be able to endure teasing and be able to retaliate too. For the first month or so I had a lot of hurt feelings and resentment but I learned to deal with it and move on. It was hard to get used to but after you do it can actually be fun. Sometimes I still get my feelings hurt and I know other comedians do too but it's all about just being honest when things go to far. You can have a thick skin but we aren't all made out of stone.
Something else I learned is that you will talk about comedy almost constantly. Whenever I hang out with comedians we are either talking about a famous comedian, our most recent set, the community, what shows are coming up.... etc. Sometimes music will come up or movies but it always ends with comedy.
Also, be ready for the puns. Maybe this doesn't happen with every comedian friend but it happens a lot. If I had a nickle for every groan inducing pun that I have heard, I'd have a butt-ton of nickles.
Comedians are like wild cats. They scratch and bite and are skittish and will eat garbage to survive but they are still kitties. I dunno, that was a weird metaphor. Better summary, I wouldn't exchange my comedian friends for any other human being in the world. They are the bees knees.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sex Object
By no means am I inferring with this title that I am the Marilyn Monroe of the comedy community. I am not that conceited. And people wanted to date Marilyn (Bitter woman throw in line!). Let me explain why I am calling myself a "Sex Object"...
Being one of the only consistent female comedians in the Orange County area (that is over 18) really wasn't a good start to me being taken seriously. I was doomed from the beginning. It also didn't help that most of my material is about my sex life, my vagina, and men from my past. Because of what I talk about onstage, I am immediately dismissed as a "whore" or just looked at as "public domain." It's almost like the mindset is, "Hey, you talk about sex a lot so you must be DTF for everyone." Another thing that doesn't help my case is I had sex with a male comedian. Just another addition to the pile of reasons everyone assumes I am going to fuck them all. These are all horrible assumptions that do not bode true in the slightest. I have had my ass grabbed, men have said vulgar comments to me; I have even had people tell me to my face that since I already fucked a comedian, why won't I fuck them?
I am not my jokes. I am a human being. Sure, my jokes are things that really happened to me and things I think about. Sure, I give off a sexual vibe and talk about sex a lot. I don't mind that. The thing is, no one seems to want to get to know me past that. No one cares about the rest of my life. I have had very deep, personal conversations with my close comedian friends where I found out a lot about their past and who they are as a person. I have these conversations with them because I consider them my best friends and I want to know everything about them. BECAUSE THEY ARE MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO IN A LEGITIMATE FRIENDSHIP. But the second that I reveal anything more personal than "My vagina blah blah sex story" everyone shuts off and ignores me. No one wants to ask me what my favorite color is or what I do besides comedy. I am the sex object. Someone that they dismiss with, "Oh yeah, I could fuck her. Whatever though." It's not just me either.
The men in this community are incredibly misogynistic. I have heard fellow male comedians call women "fat", "ugly", "a stupid, giant whore".... etc. Anything that is revealed by a woman that isn't completely shallow is immediately turned into a flaw that they have. Say that a certain woman cries a lot, then she is just a stupid bitch that needs to shut up and stop whining. There is no empathy here. There is no REAL caring for others. I have rarely heard the men talk about a woman nicely. And I'm not talking about on a shallow level where they say "Oh, she was nice. She was good-looking." I'm talking about on a deeper level. Every man seems incredibly damaged by women but being cruel to EVERY woman doesn't make the pain go away. We aren't all evil, some of us are actually really good people. Some of us actually have feelings and they get hurt. You aren't the only ones who have been hurt, A LOT. Maybe if some of you talked to me, you would know that. Go to fucking therapy. It actually helps. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a better human being.
Being one of the only consistent female comedians in the Orange County area (that is over 18) really wasn't a good start to me being taken seriously. I was doomed from the beginning. It also didn't help that most of my material is about my sex life, my vagina, and men from my past. Because of what I talk about onstage, I am immediately dismissed as a "whore" or just looked at as "public domain." It's almost like the mindset is, "Hey, you talk about sex a lot so you must be DTF for everyone." Another thing that doesn't help my case is I had sex with a male comedian. Just another addition to the pile of reasons everyone assumes I am going to fuck them all. These are all horrible assumptions that do not bode true in the slightest. I have had my ass grabbed, men have said vulgar comments to me; I have even had people tell me to my face that since I already fucked a comedian, why won't I fuck them?
I am not my jokes. I am a human being. Sure, my jokes are things that really happened to me and things I think about. Sure, I give off a sexual vibe and talk about sex a lot. I don't mind that. The thing is, no one seems to want to get to know me past that. No one cares about the rest of my life. I have had very deep, personal conversations with my close comedian friends where I found out a lot about their past and who they are as a person. I have these conversations with them because I consider them my best friends and I want to know everything about them. BECAUSE THEY ARE MY CLOSEST FRIENDS AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO IN A LEGITIMATE FRIENDSHIP. But the second that I reveal anything more personal than "My vagina blah blah sex story" everyone shuts off and ignores me. No one wants to ask me what my favorite color is or what I do besides comedy. I am the sex object. Someone that they dismiss with, "Oh yeah, I could fuck her. Whatever though." It's not just me either.
The men in this community are incredibly misogynistic. I have heard fellow male comedians call women "fat", "ugly", "a stupid, giant whore".... etc. Anything that is revealed by a woman that isn't completely shallow is immediately turned into a flaw that they have. Say that a certain woman cries a lot, then she is just a stupid bitch that needs to shut up and stop whining. There is no empathy here. There is no REAL caring for others. I have rarely heard the men talk about a woman nicely. And I'm not talking about on a shallow level where they say "Oh, she was nice. She was good-looking." I'm talking about on a deeper level. Every man seems incredibly damaged by women but being cruel to EVERY woman doesn't make the pain go away. We aren't all evil, some of us are actually really good people. Some of us actually have feelings and they get hurt. You aren't the only ones who have been hurt, A LOT. Maybe if some of you talked to me, you would know that. Go to fucking therapy. It actually helps. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a better human being.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Loosing Weight
My whole life my weight has a been a rather large issue. I've gone from being extremely chubby to being dangerously anorexic. There have been points where I weighed 220 and then when I weighed 130. This dangerous weight gain and loss comes from a few things. First, I have body dis-morphia. When I look in a mirror or at a picture of myself I see something that is very far from reality. For a long period of time, I couldn't even look at myself naked without breaking down and having a panic attack. I went 3 years without knowing what I looked like naked. Another factor has been depression and stress.
When I got to my heaviest I was borderline alcoholic, living with my already alcoholic ex boyfriend and his abusive parents. I laid on the couch all day and was drunk by 10 AM everyday. I was depressed and I just covered it up with food and booze. When I was my skinniest, I had just been left my first boyfriend. He stressed me out by continuing to fuck with my head and sleep with me, then ignore me immediately after. Since I couldn't control him, I controlled my eating habits... to the point that they didn't exist. I was anorexic for 6 months and ended up losing 60 pounds.
Throughout the years I have yo-yoed between the two, going from dangerously overweight to dangerously underweight. I have always been told my body wasn't good enough but recently I have finally got healthy enough where I just am saying "Fuck you." I am not near the weight I want to be but I am in a good middle ground. I'll never be entirely happy with my body but I can stop hating it. I will still cry by myself when people tell me I need to lose weight or that I have fat arms but I'm going to let it go sooner. I'm not going to let it fester in my head. I'm slowly learning how to love myself.
So..... fuck you. I'm swell as hell.
I also found out recently that Dr. Who is amazing. SO......... think about that shit too.
and because I can, here is me at my fattest and me at my skinniest
When I got to my heaviest I was borderline alcoholic, living with my already alcoholic ex boyfriend and his abusive parents. I laid on the couch all day and was drunk by 10 AM everyday. I was depressed and I just covered it up with food and booze. When I was my skinniest, I had just been left my first boyfriend. He stressed me out by continuing to fuck with my head and sleep with me, then ignore me immediately after. Since I couldn't control him, I controlled my eating habits... to the point that they didn't exist. I was anorexic for 6 months and ended up losing 60 pounds.
Throughout the years I have yo-yoed between the two, going from dangerously overweight to dangerously underweight. I have always been told my body wasn't good enough but recently I have finally got healthy enough where I just am saying "Fuck you." I am not near the weight I want to be but I am in a good middle ground. I'll never be entirely happy with my body but I can stop hating it. I will still cry by myself when people tell me I need to lose weight or that I have fat arms but I'm going to let it go sooner. I'm not going to let it fester in my head. I'm slowly learning how to love myself.
So..... fuck you. I'm swell as hell.
I also found out recently that Dr. Who is amazing. SO......... think about that shit too.
and because I can, here is me at my fattest and me at my skinniest
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